We all love a bit of self-help from time to time; it helps pass the time and you always feel better afterwards. How generous of The Independent then, to give away a seven day guide devoted to helping us help ourselves! My favourite pastime! So, six booklets later and the inspirational CD to boot, I feel I should pass on the knowledge I have gleaned in order that you might all enjoy self-help as much as I do.Self-help books are no doubt written by illustrious, highly educated, experienced and motivated individuals. I am none of those things. Having read up on the subject though, I can say without fear of contradiction that any monkey with a typewriter could come up with a self-help series and the punters would lap it up. Couch your advice in warming, fluffy thoughts and whatever you do, don’t suggest you throw in the towel. Since I am no good at either of those things, here are a few thoughts on revamping yourself for 2008, courtesy of the master.
Naturally we start with a hook to reel you in. How do I get rich? Sadly for you, you poor, desperate schmuck, the self-help industry has other plans.
The book says: “Wealth happens slowly over a period of time when you turn surplus cash in something that works for you.”
The monkey says: No shit! How many people do you know who became uncommonly wealthy overnight? Yep, that’s right: none. ‘Overnight success’ is just a turn of phrase: no one actually expects to win the lottery. The key to having more money is to stop spending it. That’s all there is to it. When you get some money, don’t just piss it all up the wall and don’t think that living within your means is the same as living right up to your means and sometimes edging over. If you want to save some money, the clue is in the title. Save it.
The book says: “You should certainly make sure you set aside some time to [talk about money] before you get financially entangled with your partner.”
The monkey says: I don’t know about you but I’d much rather get involved with someone who is likely to fleece me for every penny I own and cheat on me while he’s at it. What’s life without a bit of risk?
The book says: “Remember that risk doesn’t mean bad.”
The monkey says: I rest my case.
Now you have learned – shock! horror! – that you will have to work for your money, we should probably turn our attention to your job. After all, this is how you will get your double-glazed semi-, and where you will spend the rest of your annual heating allowance trying to keep warm.
The book says: “Get your work noticed. The very best way to get your work noticed is to be very, very good at your job.”
The monkey says: I’m sure you have all been stumbling around in the dark wondering why you keep getting into trouble for showing up late, leaving things half done and sloping off early. Let me explain: you need to actually work. Facebooking is not an employable skill.
The book says: “Don’t ask for a pay rise when your company has posted poor results or lost a key account.”
The monkey says: Take photographs of your boss in that seedy club (you know the one) where he has an account and insists on being referred to as Margaret. No time is a bad time with the right leverage.
The book says: “A proactive approach to your work means that you acknowledge and appreciate what makes you happy and face up to what makes you unhappy.”
The monkey says: Not working makes me happy. Working makes me unhappy. If you had done what you promised in the ‘Money’ section, I wouldn’t have to be unhappy at all.
Tuesday: Relationships
Cripes! You are in dire straights if you’re reading this. Still, the monkey has advice for all, even the pig ugly.
The book says: “We wouldn’t be the fantastic people we are without that need to give and be given to.”
The monkey says: something vapid that makes you think he has said something but actually he’s just filled up his word count with empty words. But it felt like he cared, didn’t it?
The book says: “It’s an old cliché but you can’t hope to love or be loved by another wholeheartedly if you don’t have a positive regard for yourself.”
The monkey says: It is a cliché. You are the dog’s bollocks and that miserable c*nt doesn’t deserve you any way. One way ticket to singlesville, please!
The book says: “So romance is dead. OK, it’s time to either find the right person if you don’t have one already, or re-light the fire if you do.”
The monkey says: Or, admit defeat. You’ve had enough of the socks under the bed and the toenails on the carpet and, quite reasonably, you just don’t want to sleep with the sweaty, hairy pig. Pack his bag, girlfriend, and kick him to the kerb. Oh no you di’nt! Snap, snap!
Wednesday: Family and friends
Middle of the week: middle of the road. Not much we can tell you on this front that hasn’t already been said. Still, this is a seven day guide and we already used the CD option for day one.
The book says: “It is very easy in the rush of everyday living to overlook people close to us. I do it… Not because I don’t care but because I am too busy.”
The monkey says: Don’t forget: you have to be very, very good at your job. Whilst you are slogging your guts out trying to get noticed at work, you should also be prostrating yourself at the feet of that brother your haven’t spoken to for a month. Even though he was supposed to be ringing you right back. Tough break.
The book says: “We often close ourselves off to making new close friends. But you’ll be surprised just where and when you might meet someone who you can have a close friendship with – be open to this.”
The monkey says: But don’t give them your PIN. They’ll fleece you soon as look at you. Bastards.
The book says: “Often we grow apart from close friends. It is a sad fact of life, but you have to be prepared to let close friends go if the relationship is counterproductive.”
The monkey says: Ain’t that the truth. Make sure you get in there first.
Thursday: Confidence
We would have liked to issue this one on Monday, since none of the rest really matter if you aren’t confident enough to pull them off. Nonetheless, our newspaper sales are far more important than you and your terminally mediocre life and by now you’ll want to complete the set no matter what shit we print, so here goes.
The book says: “Spend time with pleasant, confident people… who will introduce you to others and look out for you. There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance and you want to spend time with the confident ones.”
The monkey says: Not the ones I told you to ditch yesterday. Remember? What do you mean you haven’t told them where to get off yet? You are a confident individual! Tell them to shove it already!
The book says: “Get energetic. Many people lack motivation because they believe they don’t have the energy. Now, notice I said they “believe” they don’t have the energy. Your body is amazing; it stores energy, so even when you think you are tired there’s still loads of energy in reserve.”
The monkey says: Conserve energy for things like breathing and thinking? Don’t be stupid. Dance around! Knacker yourself out! Confident people are all shattered and hate themselves anyway – isn’t that what you want for yourself, you shy, backward chump? Now drop and give me fifty!
The book says: “When you are confident that you are worthy and that whatever you want to achieve is within your grasp, you start to trust and think more creatively. You start imagining positive solutions and outcomes and letting go of thoughts related to giving up and failure.”
The monkey says: Tom Cruise was not available this week to write for me, so I shall cut to the chase: join the Scientologists.
Have you already joined the gym? Those New Year offers can be quite tempting, can’t they? Now I’m going to tell you how you could have saved all that money you’ve just spent to join (remember Monday?) and keep fit and healthy without shelling out in Cannon’s.
The book says: “Listen to your body”
The monkey says: Don’t listen to your body when it’s telling you to have another Mars Bar.
The book says: “If you are currently overweight, you might be using food to change the way you feel, rather than to nourish your body.”
The monkey says: If you are thin, you don’t need to worry; as we all know, you are only as healthy as you look. If you are fat, it’s because you are unhappy and you’re eating through your pain. So stop with the pies, fatso.
The book says: “Beliefs create your existence. In any situation we seek evidence to prove that our existing beliefs are right – even if they cause us problems.”
The monkey says: Fuck off, Tom! No one wants your crazy religion!
So that’s it! Enjoy your new, confident, healthy, successful 2008! Now buy my book and fuck off.
6 responses so far ↓
Siegfried // 20 January, 2008 at 9:14 pm
LOL! An uber-idealistic and a counterpart uber-cynical version in one go!
I guess it goes to show that these self-help books have a tendency to state the obvious.
rocketstar // 20 January, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Yeah Tom fuck off!
Svenyboy // 21 January, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Sieg, it’s just so painful. They’re so, so, nice. And not just a little bit patronising. Damn them!
Rocketstar, glad to have you aboard. Put a spanner in a pillow case and let’s have him!
Trudi Topham // 23 January, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Bugger. I just keep hoping that if I shout the obvious loudly enough it’ll penetrate skulls.
Svenyboy // 23 January, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I’m on to you, Topham. I know your game and though I mock it, the sad news is there are people out there who clearly need this kind of help. Or beating with a big stick. Toss for it?
Trudi Topham // 23 January, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Tell you what. I’ll shout, you whack. Together we can bring salvation to the masses.