Open wide

No one can put their foot in their mouth like I can. Observe:

Yo momma.
Sean: Andy’s getting up to play football at 9.30, Tony’s playing golf at 10; what are you doing in the morning?
Sven: Yo momma.
Sean: …
Sven: Oh God, she’s not dead is she?

On carnal relations.
Sven: So, what does everyone think about anal sex?

On parties. 
Sven: Where you were you on Saturday night for Mel’s party?
Isobel: Oh? Not invited, I guess.

On running.
John: Helen did a marathon and then raced a train down a mountain, got groin strain and then wondered why she couldn’t walk.
Sven: Jeez, probably because her fanny was hanging out around her knees. I bet you could hear it clapping around the corner before she arrived.
John: Helen is my wife.

Talking about the American War of Independence, in America, to an American:
Eric (talking about a play): …and there’s a British character who burns a barn down.
Sven: I’m sure he was only doing what he thought was right.

In a gay bar in Atlanta talking about the bartender with his top off:
Eric (from Atlanta): Oh, I remember the days when I thought the naked bartender would go home with me.
Sven: Well that was never going to happen, was it? No matter how much you tip him.